To be blunt, I class myself as a male. But, in certain circumstances, I can embody the female form. And when I’m in that form, I prefer to be referred to as a lady. I can do this because I have characterised myself into the opposite gender. And this should help explain the various genders that are out there – including nonbinary.
You see, when I’m in drag, nobody sees my penis. And why do they need to? My drag is a mimicry of the female construct – a construct that has been accepted in most societies. The idealistic woman has boobs, no facial or body hair, and acts feminine – and I don’t mean ‘idealistic’ as a truth, but as what society deems as such. It’s quite different to sex, because sex is everything that goes on under the clothes – hormones, reproductive organs, procreating juices. And in nearly all social circumstances, nobody really needs to know what’s going on under one’s clothes. All they really need to know is the outward appearance.
Well, how am I supposed to know if I want to have sex with them? I hear you ask. And that’s a good question. In my opinion, if you see someone who’s androgynous – not fitting either male or female – and your first thought is: ” is that man or a woman?”, then I can safely assume that you do not want to sleep with that person. And that’s because nonbinary/androgyny is not for everyone. Many people still prefer to sit within the binaries of male and female. And that’s totally fine.
Like me, for instance. When I’m out of drag, I dress quite manly. Not rugged and masculine, but I do buy all my clothes from the men’s department. And that’s because I embrace my male form. Just like I embrace my female form when I’m in drag. I’d be more genderfluid than nonbinary. If you must know, I prefer my penis at the end of the day. And I prefer penis, too. Indeed, I must state here that my gender and sex are not indicative of my sexuality. All genders and sexes can form a myriad of different sexual identities.
Nonbinary people, for instance, can be attracted to either or both sexes, as well as the many genders. Just because they refuse to box themselves into the social constructs around gender, does not mean they’re equally nonbinary about their sexuality. At the crux, though, they tend to prefer someone who is not tied up with binary ideals. Especially if they want to date them.
In saying that, if you’re flirting with someone and you’re not sure of their sex, you are allowed to discuss that. Of course, don’t get all aggressive about it – nonbinary people (and trans people for that matter) face a lot of aggression already. Simply be respectful. All you have to say is: “Hey, I do respect your gender, but just to let you know, I do prefer [insert preferred genitals here]”. This should easily clear up any confusion.
In saying that, the only other time you should ever ask about their genitals is if you’re their doctor and you’re treating a condition that relates to their genitals.
As for me, I don’t like to consider myself as nonbinary. I prefer the term genderfluid, since my style of drag is very binary. Indeed, I do expect you to call me a lady if I am in drag, because that is the gender I represent. But, I won’t police it either. Even in my male form I’m still referred to as a lady by many of my drag friends. In fact, my pronouns are whatever you want. I really don’t care.
But, while I don’t care about how I’m referred to, there are many people who do care. So, if you cannot exactly tell if someone is a dude or a lady, try avoid gendering them. And while pronouns are a good start, there are other options too. Most notably their name.
And yes, it’s okay to make mistakes. Just apologize and move on.
In other words: least said soonest mended.