I wish I could tally up all the people I’ve slept with, but the fact is I can’t. Or, putting it better: the task is nearly impossible. To hazard a guess, I’d say the number sits between 100–200. But in all honesty, it could be more.
Put simply: I’ve lost my sex count.
Of course, it’s not something I’d happily gloat about. Sure, some people (men) are prone to high-fiving each other over such an impressive list. Hell, even I have to admit that I climaxed with most of them, while some were good enough for more rounds. But does that make it worth gloating about? Personally, I just see it as all the practical times I’ve dealt with my burgeoning physiological needs. I just needed to get off.
But why do I have such a high sex count? Well, perhaps it all comes down to sexual liberation.
For a long time, gay men weren’t bound by societal pressures around having a family and settling down. In fact, not only were we banned from getting married, but it was also illegal to be gay. And match this with notorious male horniness, and you’ve got a recipe for unbridled fun — predominately in the shadows. Of course, now that we’ve got the right to marry and be openly gay, I suspect many of us gay men are taming ourselves. But that could also be wishful thinking.
I say this because men are more likely to have higher sex counts than women, according to many surveys across the world.
Men vs Women vs Sex Counts
In my opinion, the reason for this discrepancy between men and women easily boils down to the patriarchal system which perpetuates today. The system where men are seen as dominant and women as submissive — which is highly disputable since I know many straight couples where women take control. Still, the stereotype pervades, along with the silly misnomer that promiscuous women are sluts and promiscuous men are studs. Honestly, if you’re having a lot of sex and you’re enjoying it, fucking amazing!
Unfortunately, while society’s views are changing, the norms still control the way we act. And so women refrain from getting promiscuous to save face. Or, when it comes to those surveys, women would probably undervalue their sex count, while men would probably overvalue theirs.
But it could be much more than just social pressures. As Christopher Badcock (PhD) explains in Psychology Today, this disparity around sex counts also blends into homosexuality.
“Homosexuals conform to the pattern: gay men typically have more partners than lesbians, and one study in San Francisco found that nearly 50% of gay men had more than 500 partners,” he writes.
Following this, Christopher quotes American academic and social critic Camilla Paglia, who once said: “Gay men seek sex without emotion; lesbians often end up with emotion without sex!”
Could it be that men and women are hardwired differently when it comes to sexual appetites? Well, according to sex therapist Stephen Snyder, they are as different as “night and day.”
“Men, whether they’re straight or gay, tend to respond automatically to attractive body parts,” says Stephen. “Women’s desire tends to be more context-dependent. When assessed in the laboratory, there are well-established statistical differences in the erotic response patterns of populations of men and women.”
Even in saying that, Stephen agrees that these are average tendencies with plenty of exceptions. In fact, as one expects, sexual appetites are becoming more and more “mosaic” thanks to ongoing discoveries within the field of sexuality.
This means that some men aren’t interested in hookups, while some women are. Even I know one or two women who have gone through those moments of just wanting quick, meaningless sex. And I know just how they feel!
Of course, while there are statistical differences between male and female sex counts, the underlying question remains:
To Say or Not To Say?
Interestingly, as my Google searching on sex counts has shown, there seems to be a preoccupation around the fear of sharing your sex count with current partners. This issue, I’ve realised, isn’t a major deal in the gay male world. In fact, as a personal desire, I prefer when the guy I’m fucking has the utmost experience in the field. It means I don’t have to waste time explaining new positions and making them comfortable.
Of all the sexual experiences I’ve had, I’ve never divulged my sex count. And that’s because most of us share the same answer: I don’t know. It’s also not something we’re prone to judge.
What we do judge, however, is whether the sex you’ve had is safe. Not always, but it’s more pertinent for us than judging someone’s sluttiness. Especially since being a gay man affords you a higher risk for STIs. This usually involves talking about condom use and whether you’re taking PrEP.
Perhaps gay men are more practical than judgmental. All we care about is that you’re hot and you tend to have safe sex.
Indeed, this is not to say that gay men are never judged for high sex counts. If some gays judge bisexuals for not being queer enough, I can guarantee that gay men judge other gays for being sluts. Does a bear shit in the woods?
With this in mind, does the fear of being judged explain why heterosexual couples find it hard to divulge their sex counts? Well, psychologist Lucia F. O’Sullivan says this is statistically possible:
“Researchers have found a consistent negative bias against individuals with ‘higher’ numbers of partners — we tend to view these people as poor choices for long-term partners or friends, although occasionally acceptable for a casual, short-term fling,” Lucia writes.
“Highly experienced men typically are rated as negatively as highly experienced women, even though we generally expect that women will fare worse than will men in the judgment game.”
Perhaps this explains the pervading stereotype that gay men find it hard to gain meaningful relationships. Because — as many straight people think — having too much sex isn’t ideal for long-term relationships. But how can we base a high sex count on poor relationship outcomes? Just because someone has a high sex count, doesn’t mean they won’t treat you right.
Personally, it makes more sense to judge someone on their safe sex practices than how many people they sleep with. That’s because there’s an upside to having lots of sex: sexual experience. And with sexual experience comes a set of skills to help get you off properly. Isn’t that what we all yearn for? A partner who knows how to please us in every way?
Stop Judging Sex Counts
Take a lesson from this gay man and refrain from judging people on their sex counts — it’s past tense and cannot be changed. And it also doesn’t matter if they’ve fucked a lot or even a little — so long as they fuck you right and treat you well, what’s the problem?
Of course, in certain scenarios, sharing sex counts could spice up the relationship. It’s a way of confiding with your significant other and discovering your similarities and differences, all while affording your partner firsthand knowledge of all your sweet spots. Indeed, this should be approached in the right way — especially without judgment since that can lead to a breakdown in communication.
As for what it’s like to have a ridiculously high sex count, it’s not something that truly bothers me. I’m not entirely ecstatic about it, nor am I disgusted by it. Honestly, I’m just indifferent about it.
And if I don’t really care about my high sex count, no one needs to worry if theirs is low. I mean, if some of you want to have sex with more people, go right ahead. Fuck your way to bliss! But not everyone wants to get promiscuous, and that’s also perfectly fine. Because your sex count is whatever you want it to be.
Put simply: Only you should care about your sex count.