When you want to know if someone is gay, the first question you must ask yourself is: why? Why do you need to know? For me, knowing whether someone is gay or not makes dating them easier. If the guy isn’t gay, I save my time. Or maybe they are, which means I’m in! Last thing I want is to hit on a straight guy who’s also homophobic.
But why do you want to know? Are you worried that the guy your chasing may prefer trouser snakes instead of beavers and boobs? Or maybe your girlfriend has grown distant lately and your first thought is lesbianism, purely because you cannot accept the fact that she just doesn’t like you anymore.
While these points are valid, it doesn’t mean you absolutely have to know. Yes, it could be important to develop trust, but it doesn’t change anything. If the guy you’re dating says he’s bisexual, it doesn’t mean he likes you less. Love is a different concept from sexual attraction. Yes, he is attracted to both — likely one more than the other — but in the end he chose to love you.
Love is a commitment, while sexual attraction is just a preference.
And if you’re a man and the girl your chasing isn’t reciprocating, will knowing she’s lesbian truly help? Isn’t it enough to know that she just doesn’t like you? It’s not like knowing is going to make you feel any better, or at least make you feel less doubtful of your attractiveness. The fact is, some people will find you unattractive regardless of their sexuality. Get over it.
To sum up, I believe the only reason you should know about someone’s sexuality is if you want to have sex with them. It’s not absolutely necessary, but it is important for building trust, especially if the person you’re sleeping with is a potential lover. Other than that, you do not need to know.
However, if you really must know, then there is only one way to find out. To really know if someone is gay, all you have to do is ask them.
There is no magical formula for gayness. There is no overarching personality trait. Gays can be kindhearted just as much as they can be arseholes. Sexuality has no bearing on music taste, film genres, career paths, or even sexual positions, so pinpointing a trait and thinking they’re gay is not an accurate test. Even straight guys have high-pitched voices.
And if you’re too scared to ask, you could do what I do and subtly flirt with them. You may not get their exact sexuality, but you will know if they are interested in you.
And if flirting with them is out of the question, then perhaps you really don’t need to know.