Toilet paper men wiping ass

Dear Straight Men: Wiping Your Ass Is Not Gay

Warning: gag-worthy content ahead.

Here’s something I wish I never learned today: some straight men don’t wipe their asses because they think it’s gay. Yep! Apparently letting your fingers going anywhere near your back passage is equivalent to two men fucking each other.

I’ll let you process that for a moment…

Now, apart from the major problem of offending everyone’s noses with your pungent butt crack, not wiping your ass because it’s gay is extremely problematic. Primarily because it’s wrong. I mean, if wiping your butt made you gay, we’d be a world teeming with homosexuals. And, unfortunately for me, we’re not.

The other reason it’s extremely problematic is because not all gay men like it up the bum, and I can guarantee you that even they still wipe their own asses. I’m one of them! We do this because nobody likes to see dangleberries during a 69 session – especially when we’re underneath, looking up at a not-too-distant crevice. And in that vicinity, one could catch an unwanted whiff.

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Also, it’s you touching your own bum, not anyone else’s. If anything, that makes you a narcissist. Last time I checked, you have to touch another man’s ass to even be considered a possible homosexual. And even then you may not be gay.

In the same respect, if touching your booty hole is gay, then touching your own penis must be gay as well. But you don’t hear straight men avoiding masturbation. Hell, many of you have probably jacked off with another dude in the same room — which is a little gayer than wiping your own ass if you ask me.

In the end, wiping your ass and making sure it’s clean is not gay in any sense. It just means you’re a decent human being. You are saving your nearest and dearest from gagging to death, let alone saving them from seeing skid marks in your undies. Unless they’re into scat, no lady wants that.

In my opinion, you may actually get laid more if you wipe your ass. And isn’t that a great incentive?

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On another note, I don’t understand the negative connotations around ass-play and homosexuality. As I said before, not all gay men like it up the bum. But here’s a surprise for you, some straight men actually do. And yes, you can still be straight even if you like a finger or three up your hoo-haa. Or even a sizeable dildo.

There’s no fairy godmother waiting for you to prod your prostate so she can mark you down as a flaming homo. It ain’t gonna happen. So long as you fawn over vagina and breasts, you’ll always be straight.

The only way you’ll possibly be considered a little homo is if the person prodding your backside is a man. And you like it. So much so that you want other men to do it. In that case, it may be a little gay.

So provided the person playing with you poop chute is a woman, you have nothing to fear.


As a final note, wiping your ass is not just pleasing for those around you, it’s also healthier for you. Leaving unwanted dark matter in your nether regions poses a health risk. You’re brown eye could become irritable and, in some circumstances, could even develop and an abscess. And no woman wants that hovering next to them in bed.

Actually, let me rephrase that: No-one wants an irritable chocolate starfish next to them in bed, let alone one sporting an abscess!

Sex is not just about you, you know? It’s a team effort. And part of that effort includes making sure you are both presentable and well-scrubbed before intercourse. It’s not gay. It’s not even unmanly. It’s just being a decent human being.

Honestly! How fragile can your masculinity be that you refuse to wipe your own butthole? If anything, that makes you weak. All because you fear you’re gullible enough to turn gay from cleaning your bum. Or perhaps you’re worried you’ll like it.

Oh no! It’s the end of the world! Woe to humanity!

Get a grip, dude… Man up and take responsibility for your bum!

Feature image: Jasmin Sessle via Unsplash

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